It would appear that news travels fast in Durham. I’m pretty sure i know who the gossip culprit is but i shall have to wait and see. But that has got to be the fastest I can ever recall gossip spreading!

I’ve given up on revision tonight. i’m far too tired to actually take anymore of it in. I’ll just have to crack on tomorrow. For now I will sleep, bathed in the glorious shine of moonlight that is illuminating my bed. There are no stars yet but i shall doubtless see them when i wake up in the small wee hours of the morning.

I go to bed thinking not of my impending exam but of moments in my life that have made me truly happy. For once I’m in a really good mood, and it will spread into my dreams.

Night all, sleep tight.

AxXx

I love it when it rains in the summer. It combines one of my favourite smells and my favourtie sounds. I love how gorgeous and fresh everthing smells when the rain has been. Sitting in my bed right now i can hear the rain hitting the window. I can’t open the window so i can smell it as well as that will get my bed wet!

But I don’t think there’s anything better than being cosy and warm on the inside whilst the summer rain comes down on the outside. People complain saying things like “where’s the sun?!” but they don’t realise just how lush everything looks once the rain stops and the sun comes out again.

I would go stand out in the rain, my bare feet nestling in the grass, but the tourists might think i’m a bit odd.

AxXx

Today i have done precisely 5 minutes of revision. This is not a good thing. My exam is on tuesday morning. So after posting this i will crack back on with the old english until the early hours of the morning, i’m not tired enough to sleep anyway.

So yes, I was woken up by my husband sending me a message on msn (numpty here forgetting to log out when i went to bed last night!) By 12 i managed to drag my ass out of bed to go to brunch and catch up with what certain people had been doing with certain other people last night. Well i had to find out, their actions graced me with my ticket for last night! I was then sidetracked for an hour and a half by my college mum challenging me to a pool contest. She won, i blamed tiredness.

I finally got back upstairs with every intention of doing some work. I managed about 5 mins when Becks came online so i started to talk to her and fill her in on what was happening with CG currently. Speaking of which i was also talking tohim at the same time which is always a distraction from work!

2 hours later i find myself on my way to CG’s room so that he can sort out the tension in my back. Which he kindly did… and then some. Apparently I ‘tamed him’ - his words, not mine! But whatever you want to call it, it lasted til gone 6, and we only just made it down to tea.

Now I know what you’re thinking at this point… You’re thinking “Why? After everything you said? WHy did you go to his bed?” and i’ll tell you. Because i wanted to. It had been building up for so long that there was no way we were gonna avoid it and it had gotten to the point where i really didn’t want to avoid it. I’m an adult, i can take full responsibilty for my actions. Plus said blonde appears to be outta the picture so i didn’t have to worry about my guilt complex kicking in. So i caved, I went, and believe me it was well worth the wait
Then it all becomes a bit of a blur. I spent the rest of my day feeling decidedly naughty and for good reason. I played frisbee, went to the bar and then watched Silence of the Lambs.

I had forgotten how much i love watching that film. Unfortunately the evil people at ITV tend to put adverts and news and things in which break up the flow of the film but it’s still damned good. Anthony Hopkins at his finest i feel! Plus next week they’re showing Hannibal. Even though i disagree with the way they ended the film (if you’ve read the book than you’ll know why i disagree!) it’s still a good movie. So that’s next saturday night planned!

And that brings us to now. My Old English appears to be leering at me from my folder so i really ought to go beat it into submission. CG is out and Mr Director doesn’t actually get back til Monday. My roomie is also out getting slammed so i’m on my own.

Just me, my thoughts & Miguel (raah)

AxXx

Well that was a bit shitty. I followed through with my plan, went to the bar, watched friends, drank lots, went to hound, and once i got there i managed to dance the alcohol out of my system. So now i’m very sober.

Plus things didn’t even get a chance to mildly spark with CG. Yes i saw him but everytime i did he was with a differnt girl. Guess that’s what happens when you’ve got a rep like his (i’m not gonna go into it… just believe me on this one!)

So I came home, and am sitting on my bed, alone, wide-awake and sober. Not the ideal way for my night to end but i guess there’s not much i can do about it now. Just going to try and fall asleep and wipe CG from my system. I know he’s bad news but part of me still wants to take the risk. He is gorgeous after all, and so easy to talk to…

Bugger it. One day i’ll get myself sorted and i won’t have to worry about being in this sort of situation again. Until then i just have to deal with the consequences of my actions.

On a brighter note though, Mr Dierctor gets back tomorrow - woo! But i have since been informed that his date for the june ball really rather likes him, and has done for a while. I hope she realises she’s got me to contend with! As it is he’s only going with her because he felt she wouldn’t be able to get a date if he didn’t (his words not mine!) she’s got a fight on her hands… and i’m so gonna win.

Ah well, time for bed - said Zebedee

AxXx

That’s it, I’ve given up on revision for the day. I’ve decided that due to my poor performance in my exam yesterday and because it’s a friday night, i’m going out. First i’ll go to the bar (and catch the last episode of friends whilst i’m there!) and then it’ll be back into the bar and onwards to Planet of Sound (as it’s only costing me £1 to get in, fantastic!)

I aim to get rather drunk and see what happens. Whether things kick off with CG i don’t know, all i do know for sure is i will have to face my hangover tomorrow morning. But i’m fully prepared for that. Water and painkillers at the ready!

But frankly my dears… I don’t give a damn.

AxXx

The sky is grey. The sun is stubbornly refusing to grace us with any warmth whatsoever ane even the birds are quiet. The only real noise is that of the wind pushing through the leaves that hang limply from branches, occasionally whipping them into a frenzy only to subside once more. It seems that once again Mother Nature has managed to reflect my mood in my surroundings.

I feel grey, bleak and empty. I was told that i looked really pale earlier, almost white, and i guess looking at myself i do. There’s no colour in my life. I just can’t seem to face anything anymore.

Things with CG aren’t really helping either. I received a piece of information this morning and it sent me into a state of semi-shock. You know when you really want something to happen but there isn’t a chance in hell and so you feel safe wishing for it? Well it was like that except the wish came true… and i feel so bad i can’t even begin to say why. It’s just made me even more vulnerable than ever. I don’t know what to do anymore, I really don’t. I can’t escape it ever as I’m haunted by my thoughts in my dreams, where they become so much more real than they ever are during the day,

I just want to sleep and not dream. To allow slumber to take away all the stesses and tensions i have to face during the day. I want to sleep and wake up with someone next to me. Someone i can turn to at all times. Someone who’ll hold me and protect me from all the bad things in the world. I know it’s asking a lot but one day i’ll find that someone. I just need to sort them out from everyone else who comes into my life.

AxXx

You’re an Etch-a-Sketch!! You’re the creative,
artsy type who doesn’t need to actually utilize
a single muscle group in order to have fun.
Doesn’t matter though, you’re still cool.

What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Well that’s an improvement on my little pony i guess! Shamlessly nicked from Lawren. What are you?

AxXx

My entire back is in pain. The tension from todays logic exam has managed to creep its way down from my shoulders and now i’m too scared to actually move much.

The Logic was as bad as expected, but hopefully if someone likes me i will have done enough to pass. The only problem was they made the essay question compulsary which it hadn’t been before. Yes i did revise for the possibilty for an essay question but my topic didn’t come up! I was instantly screwed.
I really don’t want to do a resit, that would involve trying to learn it all again.

Anyway, I’m off out into the sun to try and ease the tension in my back. Be good, and if you can’t be good… don’t get caught!

AxXx

And it just so happens to be when i can’t sleep. It’s an historic moment none the less though, can’t believe I’ve managed 100 posts already!

But as I say, I can’t sleep. And before you say anything no it’s not exam nerves. There’s just so much going on in my brain that I can’t seem to empty it out so i can get to sleep. The world has wrapped itself round me and doesn’t want to let me go.

If you could look inside my thoughts you would see a swirling mess of ideals and dreams, downfalls and failings with a good mixture of general oddity thrown in for good measure. Thoughts will rise to the surface and then pop like bubbles before i can get any real grip on them.

Thoughts of Mr Director are the most common. It will be a long time before they become more subdued so until then I just have to learn how to cope. He leaves in little over a month and deep down i know that it will probably be one of the last times i ever see him. Yes he’ll be back for christmas to see the next panto that we do but then i won’t have any time with him to myslef. Everyone else will want to talk to him as a friend and i’ll just have to stay at the back of the crowd, loving him and not being able to say anything.

Then there’s CG. He came into my life so abruptly but somehow he seems to have gotten hold of me in a way that i didn’t think was possible. I have feelings for him i do, but the most powerful of all these is pure lust and lust as we know is a dangerous thing. For me to act upon it could have disastrous consequences, either for me, or him, or even said blonde. I know he will end up hurting me if i’m not careful but i can’t seem to stop myself. But the thing that will hurt the most is knowing that i never had a chance, and said blonde was always gonna be there, in the background of every converstaion we have.

There are other men who surface in my thoughts at the moment, everything seems so raw that it is the perfect opportunity for my past to bite me in the ass and remind me of where i went wrong and how i made the same mistakes over and over again. I try to change but even with that i find myself making the same mistakes, i just manage to find different ways of achieving them.

I think about my first, he’s still with me no matter how much i try to shake him. I don’t think i’ll ever be truly without him in my life. The hurt he caused me will live with me longer than my love for him ever could. A small part of me does still love him, or the idea of him at least.

I think about Damien and how much i hurt him. I don’t think he’ll ever be able to forgive me for the way i was and for that i am truly sorry. I only wish he knew how deeply sorry i am. But i don’t call, or text, or write, because i promised i would leave him alone, no matter how much it hurt. One day i hope he will forgive me. But that doesn’t stop my conscience from tearing me up inside.

I think about the various people at college who i’ve briefly managed to get close to and then lose again. I seem to get close enough to see them happy and then they drift away from me, as if i was never there.

These thoughts are always with me even though people don’t realise it. Part of me is terrified to pay them any great attention in case it throws me back down into a spiral of despair that i’ve tried so hard to escape from. Another part of me knows though that if i ignore them then they will eventually consume me and drag me down anyway. They will have to be faced eventually.

They say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Despite everything i agree with this. Even though i have made mistakes which i never seem to learn from i believe that love will eventually make its way back into my heart and the hearts of those around me. My optimism doesn’t seem to be fading, but it has taken a few knocks.

Hope springs eternal…

AxXx

Here’s a tip…

Never enter into a stomach poking war… it can only end badly.

Other than that my evening hasn’t been too bad. I have my logic exam tomorrow which i think i’m just about prepared for. All i need to do is remember certain formulae and i’m sorted!

Things with CG are… well odd is as good a word as any i guess. I just don’t know what to do with that boy anymore, is most confusing. Add into this confusion the tangled web that is my life with Mr Director and you get a wonderful sticky mess. I don’t want to think that he likes me in case i’m wrong but part of me (still) hopes that he does.

It’s all a bit horrid really.

Anyway, I’m off to bed as i have to be all logic fresh tomorrow. Sweet dreams y’all.

AxXx