This evening our dinner consisted of fillet steak and salad. It’s the simple things in life that give you the most pleasure i feel especially when the simplicity involves a big chunk of cow being placed on your plate and possibly still going moo (well there’s rare and then there’s really rare!)

I then sat in the remainder of the afternoons sunshine on the garden swing chair, glass of wine in hand and good book on my lap. Unfortunately my parents still haven’t grasped the fact that when i start to read i immerse myself completely, nothing can interrupt me. This doesn’t stop them trying to have a converstaion with me or worse, having a conversation with each other and expecting me to comment at the end of it! The book i’m currently reading by the way is part three of a trilogy by Robin Hobb called Ship of Destiny… it’s really rather gripping! I’m a huge fan of hers anyway and have read her other 2 trilogies at least twice! And they’re big books
Anyways, the sun set and i’m now inside with a cup of tea (as you do) and my mind has set to wandering. I don’t know why but a lot of the time i find myself thinking on things that i thought were long gone. Other times more recent events take priority in my thoughts and i have to have a major sort out to clear the cluttered mess of my emotions. This time i started to think about school.

More precisely i was thinking about the people i went to school with.

Believe it or not i was shy at school. i was never one of the popular kids, i worked hard at being accepted and even with my group of “friends” i was always the outsider. I saw someone i had gone to school with in town today and the smiled and waved a greeting at me. All i could do was make a kind of semi grunt as i walked past. I hung my head in shame and hoped that they had managed to correctly translate it as a cheery “Hi! Hows it going?!” Chances.

It occured to me after i’d walked past (these things never occir to you at the time - it’s the way of the world) just how much misery this person had put me through at school. See, they had been one of the acepted, the elite, the type of person we all outwardly hate but secretly want to be best friends with, and they had never given me the time of day. In fact, just being in the same room with them would reduce me to a gibbering wreck and all i could do was smile weakly and prove their theories right about how lame i was (their words… not mine!)

It was this gut responswe that meant i only managed to feebly make a noise as they walked past. I then came to the conclusion that it didn’t matter how they used to treat me. They were working, i was being generally slack whilst home from college taking a study break and we were on an equal footing. I have as much right to say hey to them as they do to me! I then spent the rest of the afternoon hoping that i would see one of the elite but alas, my search was in vain.

I have grown since i left school. I doubt that a lot of people that i knew then would recognise the person i am today. Sure they’d recognise my face but that’s about it. I no longer need to feel cowed by people who once (and probably still do) regarded themselves as better than me. I have made what i could with my life and if they don’t like it then poo bum to you then! *pokes out tongue whilst running away*

We all grow up, it just takes some people longer to realise that.

AxXx

P.S - I have been carefully selected to join the HotJets cheerleading squad over at RocketJones. I know i mentioned this before but i thought i’d mention it again along with promises to get a logo thingy set up… as soonb as i figure out how to get my images to appear in my sidebar! A little technical assistance please?!

Ted wants me to be a cheerleader! I’m so proud! I get to join people such as Helen in the wonderful way of cheering
Also i have now added an e-mail address if any of you lovely people ever want to get hold of me, if you don’t that’s ok but it’s there just in case
Today i have a lovely day ahead of me of washing the kitchen floor, and eating grapes in the garden Ah the joys of being unemployed, though having said that i have to make the most of it due to the fact that i start work on monday…woohoo!

10 Lemur points go to whoever can tell me where the title of this post comes from AND who said it
You never know, i may get round to setting up the actual point system soon
AxXx

Hot day… glass of wine… sprinkler in the garden…

You do the math
AxXx

I’m so proud! I figured out how the camera worked (ok so it wasn’t that hard!) and bring you the nicest picture we had of me in my wedding outfit. I don’t think it looks too bad..

AxXx

Only to discover that in the space of 4 days i managed to get 199 trackbacks to various horrific sex site people. Whoever you are i am not amused! And if i ever figure out how i’m gonna kick your IP asses.

Anyways, my weekend was… eventful. We flew into birmingham on friday and then drove up to staffordshire to stay with my aunt and her boys. We went out that night, had food and lots to drink. it was a karaoke evening so we had to drink a lot to put up with some of the awful singing! My aunt and cousin said they didn’t feel very well so they left, and apparently my aunt was violently ill all the way home. I woke up in the morning and had to deal with the eldery yac syndrome that was going on in my mouth. went downstairs, threw up, had a glass of water, threw up again, washed my hair, threw up… you’re beginning to see the pattern here right?! by the fourth or fith time of throwing up we knew it wasn’t alcohol inflicted… it was food poisoning. Oh Joy.

I faced a long drive up to Yorkshire with food poisoning. I was throwing up every 15 minutes but by this time there was nothing to come up, it was just dry retching, whchi hurts like hell by the way! I don’t think my stomach has ever been so sore. The motion of the car didn’t help and by the time we arrived at the hotel i was in tears. I managed to keep some water down, just… and then this lady at the hotel gave me a combination of angastora’s bitters (excuse my spelling!) and soda water. I don’t know why but it worked a treat! So i started to feel better, was able to go to the wedding and had a fantastic time.

It was a gorgeous traditional service and lucy being ever practical had all the photo’s done in her garden so we were able to take some as well. We then went on to the reception and a great time was had by all. One of the boys there was trying to set me up with another guest but i was having none of it! He was a nice guy but at least a foot below me! i really shouldn’t let that get in the way… but it kinda does…

SO sunday we drove down to malvern (having already taken mum’s aunt out for a very nice lunch up in yorkshire) and arrived to be greeted by friends and poosters… always a bonus Had a very relaxed night and then flew home today.

When i got back i was told by dad that i might have a possible job so we went down to go talk to the people involved. 20 minutes later i walked out witha job as general skivvy in our local vineyards… it’s not that best job in the world but at least it’s something!

So now I’m sitting here on the sofa whilst my dad watches mastermind and beats them to the answers, wondering how to deal with all these irritating bastards who decided to ping me. I’m also wondering how to get the piccies off my mum’s digital camera and onto my laptop but i’ll deal with that one later. For now i have a full tummy, and glass of wine, what more could a girl want?!

If i do manage to figure out the piccies thing i’ll post them in an update later… but that’s only IF mind… i’m not mush good with technology
mmm… wine…

AxXx

It turns out that me knee is just very badly bruised. They strapped me up, instructed me to buy some nurofen and sent me on my way. I gotta say it’s a huge relief. It doesn’t stop it from hurting but at least i know it’s nothing serious.

I now have lovely blonde highlights in my hair and despite the initial shocl at looking in the mirror and seeing a golden haired me looking back i quite like it. I haven’t been this blonde since i was 8 years old and we were in menorca though!

I also have a hat for this wedding on saturday, it’s very exciting! I’ve never been to a wedding before but now i have the hat, dress and shoes as well as gorgeous hair. I’m really looking forward to it
Today i have a day of laundry and ironing. Not the most thrilling of tasks but we are going out tonight to a cider tasting and dinner afterwards. My folks are paying which makes it even better! It’s kinda weird, despite not having much to do the days just seem to be flying by. It’s all good though i guess, keeps my mind off things.

Anyhoo, the washing machine has finished one load so now i need to go empty, peg-out and refill, the on to the ironing… joy!

AxXx

This weekend saw the twinning associations of the island get together and fight out our differences through tug of war, 3-legged football, sand sculputres, water games and gun races. It was all good fun, we came joint 3rd and all got medals. it was followed by a raucous evening of food and drink up in trinity.

Having said all day that i was liable to fall flat on my face (my money was on the tug of war but surprisingly i remained standing during that!) i finally managed it. It was during the gun race (the sort of thing the used to do on the royal show, pull a cannon gun round, take it apart, through a gate, put it together again then race to the finish) as we went round the first bend the rope i was holding went to taught and flung me round the outside of the corner, i only just let go in time! I went flying and slammed my knee into the ground as i did. I lay there for a while then was able to get up and sprint up to where the rest of the team were dismantling the gun. We came through with a fairly good time. Unfortunately i seriously managed to bugger my knee, can’t even put any light pressure on it. So now i have to go into A&E tomorrow to get it checked out. I only hope it’s ok as i have to fly to england on friday!

Other than that i haven’t been up to much. I’ve got this wedding to go to at the weekend and i’m really looking forward to it. Tuesday me and my mummy are having a girly day in town, going shopping and having our hair done. Mum’s insisting i have blonde highlights put through but seeing as she’s paying i’m not gnna complain!

Now i have to go cook myself something to est, no idea what i’m gonna have though. Any suggestions??

AxXx

People say that laughter is a good medicine and i’m inclined to agree with them.

Last night my darling brother and i decided to go down to our local and participate in the pub quiz. Actually, we didn’t just participate, we set out to lose. That’s not normally what people do in a quiz but if you lose then you get a lottery ticket so it’s all good! We wanted to prove just how bad we were
So having settled on our team name “trout are freshwater fish and have underwater weapons” (lyric from a track by Mr Scruff) we then proceeded to lose, badly. We knew we were gonna lose when it got to the identifying faces bit and we didn’t know them so came up with answers such as ‘dave’ and ‘daves mate nick’ - we were definately out to lose!

Having finished the quiz we started on the tequila. Having knocked it back my bro decided he would never feed me tequila again as i started speaking at 400mph i did warn him but he didn’t listen. This kicked off the giggles and we decided to come back to the house, have a couple of large g&t’s and watch a dvd. The dvd turned out to be peter kay and we sat on the bed and laughed til it hurt
Earlier in the evening he had given me a lil talking to and made me feel better, and the laughter just finished it off.

In the words of my bro it was an evening of shits & giggles and i would like to thank him deeply and ask when he’s gonna come watch the second half?!

I would recommend an eveninglike that to anyone. Good company, noone telling me “you’ll be fine, snap out of it”, a nice amount of alcohol and laughter. Laughing hard is another form of release and i slept so well afterwards. Admittedly that could be due to the tequila…

So yeh, fankoo bro. You came through for me big styley (gushy family love, don’t you just hate it?!)

AxXx

As a consequence of over 5 hours crying i now have the headache from hell.

Bugger.

Ow
AxXx

5:14 am

Do you ever find yourself just crying? For no apparent reason. You just sit down and cry. Well that’s what happened to me today. In the early hours of the morning having not yet been to sleep, I started to cry. And once I’d started I couldn’t stop.

Now I hate crying for two main reasons.
- it makes me look like I’ve been attacked my a near sighted rash giver, blotchy skin and puffy eyes… yum
- it gives me the worlds worst headache thus meaning I’m kinda inept at anything for the next few hours.

Ok, so the blotchiness I can deal with but headaches still scare me. To understand why they scare me you’d have to understand that I had one (just one) continuous one for about 9 months (no I wasn’t pregnant!) and it was constantly at migraine level or above. The pain would get so bad that it would make me throw up and dying felt like a good option. None of the doctors knew what it was. I tried every kind of painkiller they could think of and none of them touched it. As an aside it does mean that my body is now immune to most types of painkiller. I was partly hoping that something would show up when they did they MRI, just so that I knew what I was trying to fight. But nothing ever came up. I woke up with it, I went to school with it, I did my exams with it, I went to sleep with it and the pain would be so intense that it would even wake me up in the middle of the night. Then, 9 months after it arrived, it went again, leaving me with a paranoid fear of any headache that lasts more than 24 hours. Again, nobody knows why.

But I digress. I started off talking about crying. I know what triggered my tears today. I was reading a book that was both sad and touching, and being the emotional type of person that I am it made me cry. But as I say, I found that once I started I just couldn’t stop. Everything that has been bottled up for a while (yes I have kept some things bottled) seemed to find its escape route. I was crying over simple things like not being able to get a job whilst I’m home, no matter how hard I try. I was crying over the fact that once again my cat chose to go into my mums room rather than mine (he never comes to me at night anyway so I don’t know why it was making me cry – guess it just got too much for me). I was crying about the fact that I miss being in durham with becks&jim, my 2 closest friends in that country.

And then the big stuff started to hit. I realised with this deep wrenching in my stomach that I would probably never see Mr Director again, and even if I did there would be nothing between us. At that point I stopped crying… and started sobbing. The kind of sob that takes over your whole body and all you can do is lie there as the emotions roll over you. I sobbed because I love him and he doesn’t love me, because I miss him, because I know I have to go back next term and face being in durham without him, and because not having him throws into sharp focus just how lonely I can get.

I can stand in a room full of people and still feel completely alone. I will laugh, joke, smile and socialise but deep down there is this ache that I don’t know how to get rid of. He took that away, if only for a brief while, and now I have to deal with it again – and I don’t want to.

At the time of writing this I have been crying pretty much solidly for 5 hours. I’m amazed that I still have any tears left. Eventually they will turn into the dry sobs that hurt both throat and eyes, and out of exhaustion I may just be able to fall asleep, something which has evaded me so far. Dawn has broken and a rooster is crowing, and still the tears stream silently down my face.

People tell me there will be others, and I know there will be. But at the moment I don’t have anything to take the hurt of losing him away. Combine that with the emotional rollercoaster that is my life and it’s no wonder I’m still crying. A comment was passed by my mum to our friends who came to stay over the weekend:

“her life is like a soap opera! If someone were to sit down and script it you’d never believe it was real!”

Sadly, those words have more truth in them than I care to admit. There’s never a dull moment in my life, or so I’ve been told. But sometimes I just wish I could find a dull moment, find a small section of peace and contentment… and stop the tears from flowing.

AxXx