I’m going to see the new Hitch-hikers film tonight. Very excited! Ok so it’s not as good as Cobby who’s got her gala tonight but it’s the best I can do!
Not too sure what I’m going to make of it though. Will tell ya’ll what I think after I’ve seen it!

AxXx

p.s. He did forget I was working last night. Lo and behold the phone rang. Think he must have tried again and been told where i was as my phone was eerily silent. Then at 1:30am, when i was in bed, exhausted, my phone went off.
It’s a wonder I don’t kill anybody.

This is getting ridiculous. If a phone rings, and nobody answers, then voicemail kicks in, would you really hang up only to phone again 20 seconds later? and again? and again? and again? this is a mobile phone. The beauty of this situation was on trying the mobile and getting no answer, the house phone got tried. Nobody answered, I was asleep, my housemates were tired and working, it just rang on into the emptiness. If they really need to talk to us, we thought, they’l leave a message. But no. 5 minutes later the phone rang again.

If you don’t get an answer then give up!!! Jesus, that’s what an answerphone is there for! Now my housemates are getting pissed off too and everytime the phone rings we all know who it’s going to be.

I gave myself a limit. I said it would be 2 weeks before this started to get to me. I was horribly horribly wrong. It took 2 days. This is not good. And yet, when i did manage to talk to him without screaming at the osund of the phone going off, we had nothing to say. we were going round and round in circles with me answering the same question at at least 4 different times during the conversation. The best one had to be this though:

him: do you miss me?
me (after a pause): I miss my cat.

I keep dreading that he’s going to say something stupid like “I can’t live without you” or “I think i love you”. It’s a fear that’s welling up inside me and i can’t get rid of it.

This needs to end now, I know it does. I just hate being the bitch. And seeing as he said that i’m the best thing that’s happened to him in a long time you can guarantee he’ll see me as a mega bitch. I apologise for the atmosphere this may cause up the local but i need to get it sorted before he comes over here.

I’m just grateful I’m working tonight, though doubtless he’ll try to phone me rather a lot. Either that or he’ll phone the house having forgotten that i said i was working. If he does then i can only apologise to my housemates, especially Mike who always seems to answer the phone!

AxXx

Both essays finished and about to be printed and handed in! Yay!!!

God I need a drink.

AxXx

I really do! So i finished my essay last night, that was all good. It’s not the best I’ve ever written but it’ll have to do. I took a shower, finally got round to washing my hair (it was oh so scummy) and then settled in to start on my next essay.

It was late, i was tired. I went for an ickle nap. Woke up again to find my computer had turned itself off. Nothing unusual there. Turned it back on, opened the document, half of it wasn’t there. Now i know i saved it! i always do! it didn’t even recover the bloody file! So instead of following the nice plan i’d made before i fell asleep i had to go back over what i’d already done. and the bitch of it was that i’d been so tired when i’d written it that i couldn’t remember what it was!

I’m not a happy bunny!!!!

AxXx

So far in my university career I haven’t had to write an essay as such. We get assignments, where it’s more like question and answer but in a long form. I used to long for an open essay question.

Now I have one… and I hate it.

We had a list of possible topics for discussion. The problem with that is you can choose a topic but having not had to do an essay for nearly 3 years I’m completely stumped! Where do you start? How do you construct it? is it really going to make sense?! The title of my essay is The Silent Way - A Critical Study, catchy no? It’s for my english language teaching module, and it’s worth 50%. Any ideas as to what it is I’m actually supposed to be doing here?!

I swear, if anybody phones me today I’m going to scream. I need to concentrate on this one, and phone calls don’t help. Might actually turn my phone off…

Right, on i go. Suggestions are gratefully received!

AxXx

So I’m back in Durham. The flights were uneventful, as was the train ride. It was a gorgeous evening coming into Newcastle. The sun was setting in a blaze of red and gold, the last of the warmth pushing through to seep into my skin. Bathed in the golden light I could forget everything for a moment and be content. For a while I wished the train journey would never end, that i could ride in that glow forever. But as we drew nearer the station i knew i had to leave, and face everything life has to offer me here.

I got into my house with only a mild amount of swearing, dropping a case on your foot is never a good plan. After wrestling everything upstairs i sat on my bed and surveyed my room. Everything was as I left it. But i became dimly aware of the fact that i have two lives. One is here, the other is at home. They can normally run on a separate course but every so often they overlap and that’s when the problems start.

As i sat on my bed, I picked up the picture of myself and Mr Director. Everytime I think I’m beginning to get him out of my system he comes back again. I sat there, thinking about everything and a fat tear rolled down my cheek. Just the one. There’s so much going on that if I were to start crying properly it would take me a while to stop.

I miss G, I really do. it’s so hard knowing you had something good and then having it taken away from you. It hurts to see him, but I know i will see him, i can’t really avoid it. Part of me is still hoping he’ll take me to the June Ball but i’ve not got very high hopes. If he doesn’t take me then i think i’ll just leave. As profitable as working it may be i couldn’t face being around him like that.
Then there’s the guy at home. He got way too intense way too quickly. i should have listened to my brother, he warned me that might happen. So what started off as just something nice and fun became the sort of thing you get after 3 months dating. Phone calls 3 times a day at least, text messages, getting upset about the fact i’m no longer there, wanting to come visit. It’s all too much. I don’t need this kind of pressure right now, especially not during exam season. The problem is i can’t tell him, it would break his heart. I hate hurting people, I always have done. But this would seriously hurt him. Plus his sister could get mean.

And then there’s the ever present Mr Director. He’s with me wherever I go. But you already know about him so I won’t go on again.

Put this together with studying for exams and assignments and it’s no wonder my shoulders feel so tense.

Yes it’s good to be back, but i wish i didn’t have all the pressures that go with it. I just want to be that girl on the train again, basking in the sunlight as the world and its worries rush by.

AxXx

I fly back tomorrow (or today depending on how pedantic you’re feeling).

I have mixed feelings about going back this time. I have to face a lot of stuff i left behind, including G and Mr Director. It’s gonna be a tough one me thinks but I’ll keep you posted. On the topic of Mr Director, he sent me an e-mail the other day… telling me how much he missed me. Typical really.

Ah well. Let the term and all its trials and tribulations commence!

AxXx

Sometimes I really love my brother. Today especially. And do you want to know why? Well I’m going to tell you anyway.

He rang me to let me know that my belated birthday present is on its way. It’s one of these. Ok so I’m a little late on the bandwagon but very excited nonetheless!

So fankoo bro… plenty lots hugs.

Twisted Sis x

Thanks for a wicked night mate, was muchly enjoyed! Will definately be doing that one again when i come back in the summer!

AxXx

It’s funny the things you find when you’re trying to avoid work. I have a bookcase next to my desk. Well, actually it sits on top of my desk and reaches to the ceiling. On the top shelf are lots of boxes that got packed years ago and their contents remains a mystery. One day I will have to have a sort out. It wasn’t these boxes that caught my attention though. No, it was a small, hologrpahic purple one, coated with a layer of dust. I brought it down of the shelf, blew the dust off and instantly had a sneezing fit. That never happens in the movies! I carefully opened it, not sure of what was inside, and out came letters. Loads of letters. Preserved in this box for years.

I sat down at my desk, clutching this marvellous find. As i delved deeper i discovered that some of them dated back to when i lived in england, that’s 7 years ago. I started to get excited as envelopes spread across my desk. Then, out of the corner of my eye, i spotted it. A small group of photographs that had been buried. I looked at them and saw a 13 year old me staring back. My friend from the guides had sent them to me years ago. I hunted until i found the letter they’d come from. Just a side of A5, no more. That’s all that’s left of our friendship. A few words asking me to send her a more recent one, and she hoped to see me at ice skating that weekend. As far as i remember I did go ice skating but there are no more letters to testify this.

As I worked my way through the box faces from the past looked back at me. Old jokes that took me a while to understand made me laugh again, stories of people i once knew, reminders of birthdays (just in case you’d forgotten!) which are useless now. Most of the letters are off friends in England, the friends I had before I moved to this island. Slowly, one by one, the letters stopped coming. I can’t help but wonder if they still live at these old addresses. Should I write to them now? Should I try to breathe life into what was such a beautiful friendhsip but has now wasted away? Or should I just put the memories back into their dusty box and forget them once more.

The one exception to this were the letters i found that had been written by the person who became my best friend over here. They’re completely insane, ofent written in several different colours of pen and involving arguments with herself. Just reading them made me ach for the friendship we once had. We were inseperable. Then we finished school. That’s when we started to split away from each other. What was once a friendhsip so close that people thought we were sisters is now nothing more than a handful of letters and the occasional text message - usually just as insane as the letters were. For example, i hadn’t heard from her for ages when one day this message came through saying “is it true that swans only talk when they die? I saw one talking this morning, should i brace myself to see it floating bottom up by sunset?” And this moment of hilarity brought us close once more, only for the winds of change to blow us apart again.

I know I have new friends now, but e-mail is taking over and gone are the days of putting pen to paper to get in touch with somebody. But i like the physical letters. Ones i can touch, see and smell. Ones that are covered in doodles and little arrows pointing you to the thought that was suposed to come next. The friendships may have vanished but the evidence of them hasn’t. So I shall put them back into their box and shelve it again… where it will sit for years until I need to see the faces of the past reflected in its dusty surface.

AxXx